its been awhile.
no one reads this anymore, i know.
but that isnt why i write here in the first place.

on most days i keep my thoughts to myself,
my heart questions and my mind answers, or sometimes the other way around.

but there are some days like today.

i havent used this space in a long time,
half a year, really.

time is strange.
how it can feel like its moving so fast, yet so slow at the same time.

just another month and a few days and i'll be 21.
well not officially till August, but still.

i dont know if im the only one,
but im scared- of growing up.

on one hand, these past months ive been thinking of all things adult.
future, marriage, even babies.
don't judge me.

but on the other, this constant fear of what is unknown.
of failure and disappointment.

and then there are dreams.
those that never got to be fulfilled...
hell, those that never even got a chance to be tried.

they say live life to the fullest.
here i am having already spent 20 years away,
yet i feel so far away from 'full'

is a lifetime even enough to be lived to the fullest?

xoxo Rachel

ive never felt so alone in my whole life.
i cant remember a day i havent cried.


where did everyone go?

it hurts. but time will tell.

i promised myself i'll start blogging more positive things.

but maybe the next post.

im so disappointed with myself,
the moment i tell myself i need to start picking up the pieces,
something bad happens and i just drop everything i have and fall back to the ground zero.

why cant i stay strong,
i dont know.

why cant i

ah, why do i even bother,
when the only person i want to sincerely please doesnt give 2 hoots about my feelings.

i hate to admit to this but im so emotionally beat up and abused,
by myself maybe, by someone else, maybe.

i m tired

have you ever felt inredibly pissed at someone who doesnt matter.

like, someone who's of no importance in your life,
yet just having to look at them, or act like you like them.

its a bunch of bull

im not going to act as though i like you,
and im not going to talk to you just for the sake of 'looking good'

i'm so sick of seeing your name on my Live Feed,
i've removed you permernantly from my Wall.

its like God is trying to be funny, putting you where he did.

ps, i cant hold my liqour, heck i cant even hold alcohol,
but one thing i can hold is a grudge.

and you really. piss. me. off.

stop trying to be nice. i dont give a crack.

xx,r

ive had dreams.

not one,
not three,
Many.

i used to think i was so close to finally tasting just abit of those dreams.

but instantly, i always fall all the way down.

what am i missing?

I once thought i'd be of use in his house,
i wanted to dance,
i wanted to help,
i wanted to sing,
i wanted to play the guitar,
i wanted to share.

im a hardworker,
honestly, not to show them i could,
but because i just wanted to be used.

i spent nights,
visualising what could be.
and days,
practising and staying focused.

but now,
not many,
not three,
not even one

of my dreams have even started taking off.

i find myself pulling and just surviving through the days.

ive stopped expecting,
ive stopped dreaming,
ive stopped being.. me.

i miss myself,
but im tired of trying again.

xx, r

Tonight, in an attempt to finally spill my guts to someone,

I found myself standing by a quiet street,
Drenched to my bones,
in the middle of the night,
with no transport home.

I dont know whats more scary,
the fact that if someone had kidnapped me, no one would even be able to hear my screams,
or
the fact that I had No One to talk to, when i'd finally mustered all my courage and dug deep.

im going for the latter.

How theatric; that when a taxi finally was stopping for me,
a puddle of water splashed all the way from my shoes to my whole skirt.

Not only was i freezing cold in the cab,
i was also tending to a broken heart.

It didnt help that the driver had on some Emotional Love Song.

Maybe im Selfish for thinking that someone would bother hearing me rant at midnight.

I Know Better Now.

Life, im sick and tired of playing games

xx, R

i just realised how small the world really is.

ive been watching The Hills and Laguna Beach recently,
and decided to google the reality-show characters and found out that,
Brody Jenner (one of the leading guys) and someone who i think is pretty hot,

IS THE STEP SON OF DAVID FOSTER,
who i just worked with recently at the Singapore Sun Fest!

AND

Brody was dating Avril Lavigne,
who was my favourtie Female artiste before Taylor,

AND Brody's other step-sibling are the KARDASHIANS.

omg.

are you kidding me.

I MET/WORKED WITH THE STEP DAD OF MY REALITY-SHOW EYE-CANDY.

hell,

I HUGGED THE STEP DAD OF MY REALITY-SHOW EYE-CANDY

LOL

xx, R

in an attempt to change my life,
and rid off the recent,

I IMPULSIVELY SNIPPED OF MY LOCKS.

ive never had short hair all my life.
and i look ridiculous now.

I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE SHORT HAIR.

whats worse?

Bad Hair.
or

my life's still the same.

go figure.

xx, R

lovely weather,

the boy's asleep and im wide awake.

i might be in my deepest lowest point of my life as of now,
but goodgolly am i feeling on top of the world this moment.

i love midnights, because the air is fresh.
the roads are clearer except for the occasional cabs driving by,
you barely hear their engine, only water splashing back onto the floor.

its been 3 days, raining!
on and off.

i love it.

i look through facebook, and i cringe a little,
sometimes i feel its a hellhole.
it serves as a reminder to people who have a less active social life, how much of a loser they are.

these nights, ive been finding myself.
and boy, have i realised what an individual i really am.
fine, call it outcast if you want.

or maybe i just can't be bothered with reality.

im scared. we've only one life to live,
and theres things i want to do.

like write a book.

or spend a month in paris just painting the scenery.

or raise a family in a lakehouse.

What if im not a city girl, and i hate traffic,
and noise and crowds?
Why do i feel like im being raised in the wrong place?
Is it too late?

What if i want to run a little coffee joint/bookstore round the corner,
of a quiet neighbourhood..
where children experience the fullness of life, family, learning.
not just a never ending rat race to claim that million dollars.

is it selfish,
to want to be yourself, for yourself?
and not for anyone else.

is it selfish to want to achieve things for yourself,
and not for a 'higher purpose'?

ive always been considerate,
been polite,
accountable,
responsible.

but these days, im tired.

and when i just let it go and dont give a damn.
boy do i feel released.
i feel so free.
its like really see the possiblities out there.
i dream,
for myself, and not for others,
or dreams that i think others will judge me upon.

for once i feel liberated.

well,

of course thats only in the nights.
which is why i love midnights.

and when sun comes out,
the worries of the day sets upon my shoulders and i shrug,
because Life's Like That.

xx Rachel